County Durham Dreaming

I had a dream!

This is unusual for me, these days. I haven’t had a dream since I started taking nerve blockers over a year ago. That is, I haven’t remembered any dreams. Presumably I’m still having them, if it means anything to have dreams without remembering them.

My dreams have always been insanely vivid, detailed, complicated, intense and often lucid. I was well into my 20s before I found out that most people don’t have dreams like those. It hadn’t really occurred to me to ask anyone. When I was a child, my dreams were often terrifying. Perhaps this accounts for my lifelong insomnia, who knows?

Anyway, I had a dream last night, which might be more evidence that the nerve blockers are leaving my system. I say ‘more’ evidence because the intense pain is also a bit of a give-away. It wasn’t a noteworthy dream, just a collection of vague, disjointed impressions, but a dream’s a dream, I guess.

Sleeping and dreaming are aspects of coming off the nerve blockers that I’m not sure how to prepare for. I’m fairly sure that the nerve blockers have been helping to regulate my sleep, which has been helpful, and I honestly haven’t missed the dreams. I don’t think there’s much I can do about it, though, except make sure I’m exhausted at bed time and hope for the best.

Fixed

My new footrest came and – after quite a lot of hacksawing – I got it fitted. It’s quite a bit heavier than the old one, but also a lot stronger because it’s made of steel rather than aluminium. This means it’s better for attaching my Freewheel. Since I’m going to be doing more outside training using the Freewheel, the weight tradeoff is probably for the best.

‘Progress’ with medication

Ah, the scare quotes are too cynical. Progress is being made even though it doesn’t feel much like it at this precise moment

I’ve halved my dose of Pregabolin from 600mg to 300. I’ll stick at this dose while the pills last (a month) then down to zero.

I have noticed three things:

  • The pain is bad, even by my usual standards. It is very, very bad and in new and exciting ways
  • I’m learning to extend my usual defences and I’m slowly, slowly starting to think I can probably get on top of it in time
  • The fog I’ve been thinking through for a year is clearing already

That last point alone makes me feel it’s worth it, even though I’m resigned to never being free of this pain and never being able to fully relax my defences. I’m starting to feel a lot more like me and more aware and creative than I have in a while.

I’ll write about what I’m doing to control pain – or at least my response to it – another time. Any and all suggestions are very welcome, but don’t be upset if I’m skeptical. it’s my default setting.

NOTE: I am not anti-pain medication and nor should anyone else be. I couldn’t have coped so far without pain medicine. I’m stopping because I think this particular medication is not right for me at this time. I do not encourage anyone else to do the same and certainly not without consultation with the appropriate medical professionals.

This is what I did

I broke my footrest, is what I did. One of the welds was cracked anyway, I’m not sure how, and heavy, reckless use of my Freewheel finally did for it.

It’s usable for now, although my Freewheel is not, and I wouldn’t like to cover any rough ground or wonky pavements. To be clear, the loop part is where I rest my feet and since those welds are broken at the top, it’s hanging down quite low to the ground. If I hit a rock or kerb or raised paving stone at speed, I’d be sprawling on the ground.

I have a new footrest on order, but it won’t get here for a few days, delayed by inconsiderate people having Christmas holidays. Once it arrives, fitting it will be a matter of five minutes work with an allen key.

A relatively minor training setback. Indoor training is progressing as usual (after a few days on light-to-moderate duties).

Medication, that’s what you (hopefully don’t) need

After consultation with my physios and GP, I’m weaning myself off my current medication. I take Pregabolin, a nerve blocker, for neurological pain. The pain is very bad, unbearable at times, and is constant. It comes in several varieties. It’s worse and more debilitating than my actual disability.

But the Pregabolin, like the similar, older Gabapentin I took previously, has side-effects I like even less than the pain and it doesn’t seem to give much relief anyway. Those side-effects are:

  • Violent and indescribably painful muscle cramps, coming in irregular bursts lasting for around an hour, twice per day.
  • Tremors, which occur with only one noticeable pattern: whenever fine motor control and digital dexterity are required.
  • Cognitive impairment: at various times throughout the day, I find concentration extremely difficult and both mental capacity and agility drastically reduced. I also find myself searching for words and losing track of sentences by the time I get to the end of them.
  • Quite severe anxiety resulting from the cognitive impairment. More, in fact, than can be explained by my frustration and concern. Anxiety that is dramatically out of proportion with what I’m anxious about.

Those last two are dealbreakers for me. I can’t function normally, I don’t seem like myself and the loss is a far greater disability than my loss of mobility.

So I’m coming off the drugs. There are a few others I might try, but first I’d like to get a baseline to see how well (if at all) I can cope without them. I’d need to wean myself off the Pregabolin before I could start on any of the others (Duloxetine and Carbamazepine have been suggested) anyway, so I’ve little to lose. Hopefully, I’ll be able to cope reasonably well and live without any drugs at all. We’ll see.

There should be no significant withdrawal effects from the Pregabolin, but I expect the pain to hit me hard. I use various mindfulness and centreing techniques to keep the pain at bay, but I’m expecting some unpredictability at least until the drugs are out of my system, which will make that stuff challenging. I’ve been prescribed a month’s supply of Pregabolin at a lower dose and then after that, I’m on my own.

I expect I’ll write about how it’s going. Expect some swear words, real and imaginary.

Note: I don’t recommend that anyone come off any prescribed drugs whatsoever, unless they have an overwhelming desire to do so, have consulted with their doctors and have a coping plan. Also remember that if you do decide to come off prescribed drugs, you can always change your mind later.

AnOUNCEment

Blogging has been a bit thin on the ground, lately. I’ve been busy and my medication has been giving me grief; it makes concentration and writing difficult. More news on that later. But in the meantime, an announcement, as promised:

I’ve signed up for the Sheffield and Leeds half marathons in March and May respectively. I’ll be putting up a fundraiser page in the next few days, in aid of charities combating violence to women and girls.

So next year I’m committed to:

  • Sheffield half marathon
  • Leeds half marathon
  • Middlesbrough 10k

and, hopefully, the Great North Run (I’ll find out about that in the next few weeks).

I’m going to be busy. And, with any luck, you’re all going to be a little bit poorer. Because, you know, you’ll sponsor me.

I have about a dozen posts in draft on such important topics as medication, training, gloves and zebra crossings. Since I’ve been so poor at posting lately, I’ll commit to at least one post per week, on Wednesday since Wednesdays are already evil. More posts than that will appear if I get my act together.

Secret

I have a piss key. More precisely, I have a key that’s supposed to open all disabled toilets.

Welcome to the glamorous world of wheelchairs.

(I haven’t had to use it yet.)

Stone walls crumbling (we helped push) Part one

I was in London on Friday, protesting against the ideological capture of many UK public bodies and institutions by the charity Stonewall. There’s some wheelchair stuff in a bit, but first I want to talk about Stonewall, the protest and the wonderful people who came.

If you’ve heard or heard about Steve Nolan’s excellent BBC documentary on Stonewall, you might be newly aware of the extent to which British institutions have become captured by a harmful ideology.

Stonewall is an LGBT charity with an excellent heritage, formed in 1989 to campaign against the homophobic Section 28 of the Local Government Act, which prohibited the “promotion of homosexuality” by local authorities.

In recent years, however, Stonewall has arguably achieved its goals beginning with the repeal of Section 28 in 2000 (in Scotland) and 2003 (in England and Wales). It’s been said with some credibility that facing a loss of relevance, well-meaning but misguided Stonewall activists began to neglect the LGB in favour of the T. It’s certainly true that the Stonewall of today is primarily a charity focusing on trans issues, with lesbian, gay and bisexual interests sidelined at best and sometimes actively campaigned against.

That is perfectly fine, of course. Charities focusing on trans issues should certainly exist where they are needed and Stonewall is free to change its remit as its members and administration see fit. Some trouble began in 2019, however, when Bev Jackson, Kate Harris, Allison Bailey, Malcolm Clark and Ann Sinnott formed the LGB Alliance. The LGBA, now a registered charity, was formed to focus entirely on the interests of lesbians, gay men and bisexuals. This is not, as many (including Stonewall) have wildly claimed, transphobic; the LGBA in no way opposes the right of trans people to organise, meet, form charities, discuss issues relevant to them and lobby for legislative and societal change. Unfortunately, the same is not true of Stonewall and its supporters, many of whom actively oppose, slander and libel the LGBA, its members and its supporters.

This fury is entirely unwarranted as the LGBA is happy to accept lesbian, gay and bisexual trans people as members and to fight for their LGB interests. It’s not exclusive of trans people, it just doesn’t centre trans issues in its activism.

And therein lies the problem. Much of society and many UK public services and in the UK have become captured by an ideology that makes little sense and is entirely intolerant of dissent. Trans issues are often elevated above all others, even where there is conflict between putative trans rights and the rights of women, homosexuals and bisexuals. Where such conflicts exist, we’re told debate is not acceptable. When debate begins, it is quickly stifled and the protagonists ostracised, threatened and harassed.

There are many examples. JK Rowling has famously received many threats of violence, including sexual violence, for writing an essay primarily about her being the survivor of domestic abuse. Much earlier, in around 2015-2016, the blogger, author and columnist Ophelia Benson left the blogging network Freethoughtblogs after an internal harassment campaign by the bloggers themselves. Her crime was to question the ontological status of “woman” in the claim “trans women are women.” This would seem an essential part of such a claim and certainly of any free-thinking about it, but that debate was quickly jettisoned as heretical by the now ironically-named network. Fortunately, Ophelia refused to be stifled. In 2020, the journalist Susanne Moore was similarly motivated to leave her job at the Guardian after fellow journalists attacked her for what might now be called gender critical views. She now writes at Substack. The list seems endless. A web search for any of these women and countless others will yield more abuse, lies and obfuscation than truth or substance. Maya Forstater, Ceri and Lauren Black, Alison Bailey, Bev Jackson, Helen Staniland, Graham Linehan and many, many others have seen reasonable questions and criticisms met with fury and abuse. Mothers Marion Millar and Ceri black have been targeted for abuse by the same man and are under unfounded investigation by ideologically captured police forces in Scotland and Ireland. I wrote about that here. Many of us who question gender ideology and the capture of public organisations (and social media giants) by ideologues such as Stonewall are smeared as ‘TERFs’ and singled out for abuse like this.

The much-maligned ‘gender critical’ movement (insofar as it is a movement at all) wishes to redress this balance. We believe that trans people should have the same rights as everyone else. Where there’s conflict between any new demands of trans people and the existing rights of women and same-sex attracted people, boundaries should be set in public. Debate should not be stifled. Abuse should not be a substitute for reasoned discussion.

It’s an uphill struggle for the gender critical movement. This is largely because many UK public services and institutions have been ideologically captured by Stonewall. Now the mantras of “trans women and women” and “no debate” have become an axiom and anyone who questions it, a heretic.

The Nolan Investigates podcast series on Stonewall is at last alerting people to this ideological capture. It focuses on the capture of the BBC and its regulator Ofcom. This is an especially pernicious position: both the BBC and Ofcom take advice from Stonewall about what is broadcastable and what is not. This raises the urgent question of whether people and organisations with views opposed by Stonewall can ever be aired by our national broadcaster. This is a breathtakingly dangerous situation for free speech and an alarming demonstration of what harm can be done when we’re not, as a nation, paying attention.

The series also investigates the confidence trick that is the Stonewall Diversity Champions Programme. This scheme rates organisations on their friendliness to LGBT (read ‘almost exclusively T’) people and groups, as judged by Stonewall. The confidence trick is that Stonewall also sells courses to redress ideological deficiencies it discovers, which harm an organisation’s rating. It’s a nice gig if you can get it: organisations pay Stonewall to tell them they need to improve, then pay again to move up in the ratings. Nice diversity rating you’ve got there, shame if something were t happen to it.

This would not be such a serious situation if Stonewall had not quietly inserted itself into public institutions, which use taxpayer’s money to compete in an unwinnable arms race to ideological purity, with women and same-sex attracted people the undoubted losers.

So on Friday I went to to London to protest against Stonewall’s ideological capture of our public institutions. Here I am along with about half the people and a fifth of the dinosaurs who attended.

One of the problems with being in a wheelchair is that people always make you go to the front of photographs instead of hiding at the back.

We made a nuisance of ourselves outside various government departments and finally the BBC, following an episode of dinosaurs being on the bus during which I’m told at least one Peak Trans Event occurred.

It was a brilliant day and the people there were amazingly nice and kind. They helped and looked out for each other all day. They helped me in and out of the pub and fretted when I crossed busy roads. It would be hard to imagine a nicer or more caring group of people – mostly women – from all sorts of background. It was kindness and giving without thought, caveat or obligation.

The shouting and singing were good, but the part I’ll remember most is a woman holding one hand of a dinosaur (whose other hand was clutching a handbag (which was presumably full of hoarded rights)) and guiding it along the pavement like a rally co-driver:

OK, left around this bollard…. mind the kerb there… there’s a puddle here that might be piss or might be just rainwater, do you want to just walk through it?

I wish I’d been able to film it, but I need both hands to get around. Getting around London in a wheelchair will be the subject of Part 2 of this post (to come). For now, I want to thank the brilliant women and men of the protest for being so kind, thoughtful and helpful and to DJ Lippy for organising it and keeping us more or less in line. You can see more photographs and video on Twitter using the tag #ComeOutOfStonewall.

In breaking news this morning, the Home Office has announced that it will instruct the police to record crimes by the sex of the perpetrator rather than their stated gender. This is an excellently positive move, very much against the wishes of Stonewall, and might indicate that the stone walls are crumbling. I doubt our shouting at the Home Office (and, for a while, mistakenly, the Foreign Office) was entirely responsible, but I’m going to take credit anyway.

Now we should campaign for the BBC to do an investigation of the sudden, huge spike in violent and sexual crimes recorded as being perpetrated by women in the last few years (but actually committed by men who say they are women). That this is the result of ideological capture of the police by Stonewall is unquestionable. The harm done to women and to policy-making by these false statistics has yet to be determined. The true crime stats are probably forever lost. Let’s hope we can redress that harm and move forward as a nation more like a happy dinosaur than a malevolent clown.

Much more than too much

Recently I wrote about the case of Marion Millar, a mother of vulnerable children who faces prison for tweets. Harmless, innocuous tweets. I know they’re harmless, because I’ve looked at Marion’s timeline. You can look, too.

Marion’s case is ongoing and I’m not allowed to name the cowardly, bullying gobshite who reported her to the police in case it prejudices the outcome.

Unfortunately, this also means I shouldn’t name the chicken-shit bellend who similarly reported my friend Ceri Black, also for supposedly malicious tweets.

Because they are the same person. This is a man whose approach to activism is to report women with opinions to the police one at a time. It’s a silencing tactic. And when the silencing doesn’t work (as it won’t in either Marion’s or Ceri’s case) it becomes a smearing tactic.

But let’s be clear: Ceri Black: mother, lesbian, activist, co-founder of LGB Alliance Ireland, was reported to the Irish Police Service for tweets. The police now want to interview her under caution for:

Offences under the malicious communications act, homophobic hate crime, transphobic hate crime

https://twitter.com/FemmeLoves/status/1451291505751203848

That’s right, the co-founder of a lesbian, gay and bisexual advocacy group is being investigated for homophobia at the instance of a man known to have form in using the police as a tool for political activism.

The Irish Police Service fairly leaped into action in stark contrast to the way they responded when Ceri previously reported targeted abuse, rape and death threats against her. On those occasions they advised her to stop posting “political” things online.

They ignored the credible threats and blamed the victim.

Now that a man of dubious character and intent has maliciously fabricated offences against Ceri, they can’t do enough to accommodate him.

Ceri was due to speak at the #ComeOutOfStonewall event in Belfast yesterday. She used her talk to speak about her treatment.

Her wife, the brilliant Lauren, filmed it.

I can’t say anything that will beat that. Watch it. Be disgusted at the man who did this to both those women. But be more disgusted at the police forces of Ireland and Scotland who piously capitulated with the demands of a demented, power-drunk bully.

And be more disgusted still at Stonewall: the organisation that has so ideologically captured these and many other UK police forces and public bodies, that the bullying of innocent women has become prioritised over the policing of death and rape threats.

Ceri doesn’t hate. She only tries to help people.

#IStandWithCeriBlack

#IStandWithMarionMillar

And if you don’t, there is something disturbing wrong with you.

More on Stonewall in a later post. With Extra Dinosaur Footage!

James Billingham

James Billingham (and here, and here), also known as @oolon, also known as Kilgore Sprout, @TheOnlySprout and doubtless as many other socks is harassing Marion Millar, of whom I’ve written before. Again.

Buffalo Billingham

This is at least his second attempt to take down Marion’s crowdfunding page. His previous attempt was partially successful; Marion took down the page herself because in the confusion he helped sow, she believed that a percentage of the donations were going to a charity she felt her donors would not support. The page is now back up (donate if you can) and hopefully safe from interference.

Billingham is trying to interfere nevertheless, as reported here. He’s urging people to mob the companies providing the various payment services and bombard them with misinformation to scare them into withdrawing those accounts.

This is anti-justice and it’s anti-democratic. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty and deserves the right to make the best case for their defence that they can. Nobody should interfere with that right.

Billingham is free to deplore those of us who have donated to Marion’s legal case, but he mustn’t be allowed to take away the basic services she’s using to manage those donations. If the tables were turned, I’d sincerely hope that Billingham had the means to raise money to defend himself, although I’d be disgusted at anyone who dontated.

I don’t want to waste many more words on Billingham, but be aware that he is a man without a sense of shame. There are no lengths he won’t go to or depths to which he won’t plunge to achieve what would seem to us like negligible gains. He lies like he excretes, and with much the same effect. This is all classic predatory behaviour.

If you’re disgusted by his actions too, you can report him to Twitter for targeted harassment here, using the tweets posted on Graham’s substack or many, many others in Billingham’s Twitter account. Be wary of confronting him about his behaviour, though; he’ll use any tactic to hurt you if you piss him off. His only purpose is to bully, and to bully women in particular.

This is the first time I’ve called for anyone to be suspended from Twitter. Hopefully, it’s the last. I don’t actually want Billingham removed from Twitter forever, I think that’s a cruel fate which goes against all my principles and instincts.

But I think this behaviour has to be stopped. Report him if you like, and don’t forget to donate to Marion’s defence fund if you can.

Marion has been doxxed, threatened, stalked and harassed. She has been frightened for herself, for her livelihood and for her children. This is all just sport for people like Billingham. Help put a stop to it, please.